Fear is the heart of love
by Teargarden dreams
Summary: It's a knee-jerk reaction, the crying; Armin doesn't know why he cries, slowly and quietly but uncontrollably when Jean touches him. But it's the fact that Jean doesn't push him away that promises something bright, maybe for the future. (For SNK kink meme; one-shot, Jean/Armin, smut)


**_Summary_**: It's a knee-jerk reaction, the crying; Armin doesn't know why he cries, slowly and quietly but uncontrollably when Jean touches him. But it's the fact that Jean doesn't push him away that promises something bright. (For SNK kink meme; Armin crying during sex requested. Lyrics are from Death Cab for Cutie - their songs are so Jean/Armin to me!)

* * *

**_Fear is the heart of love._**

**_::::::_**

At first, Jean figured it was probably just a sympathy fuck on his part.

But this kid wasn't as innocent as he looked, either - he'd grabbed at Jean's cock underneath the dining room table during dinner time, confident no one could see, maybe a little turned on judging by his flushed face at the thought that someone _could_ potentially see. And even though it was a little too awkward in his forced nonchalance and how he initially fumbled to locate where Jean's cock even was, Jean couldn't help admit that...well yeah. He'd been turned on by it.

So he liked the whole awkward innocence thing, big deal. That didn't mean anything, did it?

And it certainly didn't mean anything that it all ended up - Jean acting out his fantasies of fucking with someone younger, vulnerable, almost too innocent, that is - with this scrawny little dutch boy. It was way too weird, but he wasn't going to not enjoy it.

The kid - or maybe he wasn't really a kid, but just had this kind of 'lolita' complex that was pretty bizarre for a guy - must've been at least four years younger than Jean. And in truth, despite how it initially turned Jean on, seeing this sort-of-kid try to make small talk with him and blush when he spoke in turn despite his awkward come-ons... it kind of disturbed him mid-way through their fuck that he hadn't bothered asking Armin how old he actually was. And Jean just hoped to God that Armin wouldn't squeal to Keith in the morning or anybody else about how 'Jean attacked me and forced his dick on me,' etc., etc.

Crap. He was having those weird, paranoid fantasies again. As in, those old sort of stupid ideas he used to get about Eren's little friends (and Jean did know that this Armin kid was pretty close with Eren, more than any other guy in the legion) doing something to him to strike back on Eren's accord.

Then again, Jean and Eren hadn't spoken or raised their fists at each other for at least two weeks now, an all-time record. So why the hell would Armin want to screw him over, anyway?

Jean pushed it out of his mind as quickly as possible. Man, he really needed to clear his fucking head. All of this bull crap shouldn't have been on his mind while he finally had a good lay. Amazingly enough, the kid didn't really disappoint. Armin was making these strained little half-moans, rough and high pitched in the back of his throat, and they were doing the job of keeping Jean focused on the present moment as they got louder.

Ok, but then they got a little too loud. Jean wouldn't have really cared, but he didn't want any idiots wandering around his cabin near the dining hall to hear them and barge in.

'Relax, kid,' Jean said against his neck, his own voice strained even though he was trying to calm Armin down. He was kind of a frantic guy, you know? The type who was a little too 'deer in the headlights' to survive in a shithole like this, where people died left and right and everyone was treated like the scum of the earth. But somehow, Jean liked that - the tenacity and endurance underneath his dorky, unsure front.

Then again, he also enjoyed the feeling of his tight little ass. And it was dizzying, the sensation of fucking a really obvious virgin. When they had first come into the cabin, Armin had shakily undone Jean's pants as Jean just watched in muted amusement and impatience, and his eyes had widened visibly when he saw Jean's cock. The way his hands shook and the expression on his face just screamed out virgin, but Jean didn't care.

Jean had only ever had one other lay, and it was back before he had joined the army. She was a cute girl, though she'd slept around a little too much. But it had been fun. As Armin bucked his hips, arched his back, his hands needy and everywhere against Jean's back, Jean knew he shouldn't have been thinking about that all but, it really had been fun with her. He kind of missed it.

_Focus, focus._ It was difficult to really get into the zone and out of his head for once, and of course at the most inopportune moment, considering that everyone else was still celebrating passing their 3D gear exams down at the dining hall. Jean couldn't believe how easily they'd both made their exit without being noticed (thank fuck, too). But just the thought of Thomas or some other annoying asshole bursting in here, asking about where he had wandered off to, it was making this weird feeling of anxiety creep up on him.

Jean did his best to ignore everything, the stupid thoughts of his past, his teammates and Keith and everything else. Distantly, he could hear jovial jeering down at the dining hall. Underneath him, Armin had calmed himself a little, except now...

'Are...are you crying?' Jean found a lump in his throat, popping up as a mix of anxiety at being caught and a sudden disappointment at not being able to get his rocks off after seven minutes of fucking. His paced had definitely slowed, and after a hard day of training his lower back was in a tight cramp. It was actually sort of a relief to momentarily stop thrusting his hips.

_**::::::**_

Armin was wiping these big tears off of his face. Jesus Christ. Jean was actually glad that it was a little too dark in his cabin, since this was just fucking embarrassing on both their parts - more embarrassing for Jean in the respect that he'd never fucked someone into _crying_ like this before, and he had no idea of what the hell to do or say.

But...it made Jean feel bad for the kid, more than anything. Jean bit his lower lip and somehow found himself wiping off the side of the kid's face, his palms a little too coarse and calloused, his touch not extremely gentle. He didn't do 'gentle' but, at least he was trying. Armin probably had kind of a snotty nose and could use a tissue, toilet paper or something but there wasn't any around. The kid was probably too nice to offer himself to the pillow case or the sheets, even though Jean wasn't really going to care if he did.

'Look, you OK?' Jean managed, his throat thick. Armin looked about ten years old and it was both enticing and a little freaky.

Armin took a deep, shaky breath, sniffling a little and managed to say, 'Yes, I'm - I'm fine,' but his version of 'fine' was a lot different than Jean's.

Jean cleared his throat. He was still inside of him but, his dick had pretty much gone flaccid by this point, just from the lack of stimulation along his concern. Jean noticed how Armin's forehead was damp with sweat, and he brushed some of the kid's hair back, his fingers getting a little tangled.

It was kind of...strange how Jean found himself being sympathetic in an entirely different way, different than he could have ever imagined himself being. At dinner, after those not so subtle exchanged and attempts at flirting for the past few weeks on the kid's part, it wasn't a huge shock that Armin came onto him - and how could Jean crush his dreams, anyway? Jean had figured he would just be throwing this kid a bone and getting what he had wanted for months in the process in the end, and in a much easier way than he ever could have with anyone else (especially a bitch like Annie or someone distant like Mikasa).

But things were totally taking a different course now. Because, well, for one, the kid was... kind of cute. Even when he was snotty and crying. He kind of reminded Jean a little of his kid sister, Maria, which was pretty fucked up if he really considered it. But it wasn't with looks or anything - it was just that same gentle way she acted, the hesitance and empathy in her voice, the softness of her eyes, and her easy tendency, of course, to cry.

Jean sighed, pulling out. He didn't like the sudden shock of the coolness against his body but he wasn't really going to care about that right now. He threw the shawl at the end of his bunk, the home knit one he'd stashed in his duffel before heading off as a token of home, over them.

The kid's eyes were all damp in the corners and a little puffy, from what Jean could see up close. It didn't feel at all unnatural to stroke his hair and just look at him. It was all weirdly emotional and kind of unlike him but, whatever. This probably wouldn't ever happen again, and Jean was a lot nicer on the inside than he looked, anyway. It was one of his better hidden qualities, he figured a little wryly.

'You wanna talk about it?' Jean asked quietly, his voice still a little rough from the earlier pleasure that sex brought. Again, it was true that the sex hadn't been bad by far. In fact, it was definitely memorable, the way that Armin of all people could break out of his shell when he was being fucked in the most unexpected, interesting of ways. Jean always liked loud, eager bottoms, just like his ex-fuck had been - she had been a real screamer, and that kind of thing only served to make him cum, not embarrass him or freak him out thinking someone would hear. And Armin was a little like that, just enough that Jean had initially been able to forget about Thomas and everyone else.

'No,' Armin said, and his sinuses were all blocked. Jean really felt bad now that he couldn't get him a tissue or something.

'...I didn't hurt you-'

'No! No, that's...' Armin pursed his lips, then he sighed and rubbed at his eyes. He looked directly at Jean, his gaze large, probing, hopeful. Like Eren, Jean thought, this kid had eyes that were way too open to the world.

But at least this one isn't a total prick, Jean thought to himself. It made him smile just slightly, and he hoped that would convey his feelings to Armin. He wasn't pissed about having to stop or anything like that; Jean wasn't great at verbalizing what he felt, but it was true. Hopefully, the kid could tell.

Armin sighed, biting his thumbnail and looking at the top bunk above them. Even his hands were feminine.

'I...I think I feel too much. I guess even when I...when we - well, this is the first time, so I...' Armin said, and by the tone of his voice he was probably flushing. 'I was a crybaby kid. I just can't help myself.' His voice was all strangled, constricted. Jean couldn't bring himself to kiss him - he had never been big on kissing, especially on the first fuck - but he did allow himself to press his lips to the hollow of Armin's throat, his jaw, and just near the corner of his mouth (though not too close). And then, he pulled the kid to his body and let him get warm.

'Don't worry about it. The past is shit,' Jean said a little humorously, and he really meant it.

Armin nodded against him, and with a slight hesitance, he put his arms around Jean's back. His body was so freaking small, Jean almost felt bad. He was too breakable for a guy.

But in a way, it was endearing. Just like the whole crybaby thing was, too. Yeah, that was the best word for it - _endearing._ It was what Jean's mother had used to say about the way Jean always wanted to hold his sister's hand and walk with her to school even when he had grown far too old to need to hold anyone's hand on the way to school to keep from being lost.

Jean hadn't used that word in a long time, possibly ever; and he hadn't thought of his mother in a long time, either. It made him swallow thickly.

'Thanks...Jean,' Armin's voice was measured, soft and careful. Jean was tempted to say something in return, but he opted for silence, just pulling the kid a little closer to him in the dark, not wanting him to feel alone.

**_::::::_**

_If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks_

_Then I'll follow you into the dark._


End file.
